SPOOKTOBER STORY #17:
ya wake up yer a spoon
"ah shite" ye think "a dannae wan tae be a spoon, am ah woman whots has human emotions and human thoughts like"

but yer a spoon and that's just how et es now and all

SPOOKTOBER STORY #16:

Jerry the ghost is pretty pissed off. "Fuck and balls," curses Jerry.

Jerry used to haunt the local mansion where he had been viciously murdered, hanging around there frightening people so that they would solve his grisly demise. Only then would his soul be at rest.

Well, they solved his murder, but it turns out being 'at rest' fuckin blows! You just don't get to haunt the house any more, since you're no longer bound there, and you have to go haunt the coffin you're buried in instead. Forever.

It's cramped, there's nothing to look at but the inside of your own ugly-ass mouldering head, and you can hear the hundreds of other ghosts trapped haunting their own coffins in the graveyard around you, unable to escape, shrieking, driven insane by an eternity of solitude.

"Give it a rest, you assholes!" shouts Jerry, but they can't hear him. Being dead can eat a whole fart, thinks Jerry.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #15:

a super buff and veiny plum

NICETOBER STORY #14:

I am pleased to announce that my "Nicetober" experiment has been a complete success. This previous week of making only nice posts on Facebook.com has fundamentally altered the fabric of our society (for the better), and now things are good. All those things that were bad? They're good now. All the existential dread? Now it's existential BREAD, because: cash money, baby!

Having recharted the course of human existence from disaster to a shining utopia of brotherhood and compassion, I now feel comfortable enough to return to telling my spinetingling Spooktober Stories. Prepare to get your socks shivered off, starting tomorrow!

NICETOBER STORY #13:

It's meme time. Relax with a nice farm fresh meme. The world will be here when you get back. Meme time.

NICETOBER STORY #12:

The moon and the Earth have been hanging out so long that they have nothing left to say, but it's a pretty comfortable silence. Sometimes when there's a tsunami or nuclear bomb explosion or something the moon will say "damn man, that sucks," which the Earth appreciates.

NICETOBER STORY #11:

dry shampoo. i never used it. don't know how it works and i don't want to learn. you dump some flour lookin shit on your head and then your hair is? clean? huh? cool. its cool. thanks. it's nice. nicetober story number 11#

NICETOBER STORY #10:

Hooray for the local library! Hooray for librarians and all the helpful services they provide! Hip hip hooray for all that stuff!

NICETOBER STORY #9:

it's cool

[Technically not part of the official Spooktober or Nicetober series, this status is still filled with dread, and I find it worthwhile to replicate here.]

Woah, science is fri**in awesome! According to this study by the time I retire all property will be beachfront property

NICETOBER STORIES #8:

Captain James America runs into the room (pissed). He shouts at Toby Stark (ironic man): "Listen here, you fiend, what did you do with my favorite shield? You slime!"

"Why don't you look inside this box?" snickers Toby. James opens the box and his jaw hits the very floor! Because inside it is another ironic man suit, made from parts of his favorite shield.

"I cant believe you'd do such a kind act, Toby," says James America through tears of happiness. "You destroyed my shield and made a beautiful new ironic man suit for me."

"Happy birthday," laughs Toby, grinning.

The world sucks so for a few days we're switching to
NICETOBER STORIES #7:

You, me, Blaz, Ed the Lorcher, Kitty Karen, Seven Kung Fu Kween, and Mickey Roach all sit around the campfire, really goddam full on toasted cheese and s'mores. Seven lets out a big ol burp.

"Bark bark!" barks Idiot the dog, running circles around us.

"Good girl," says Kitty Karen. "You know what? I think this might be heaven, guys. It's just that nice."

"You're right, Kitty Karen," says Ed the Lorcher. "This is pretty nice. Maybe we died and went to heaven."

All of us nod and pat our full bellies. Maybe it is heaven!

But it's not. It's just a really pleasant evening.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #6:

day 1152: the nightmare continues. i am now starting to doubt that the voices will get to "orange you glad i didn't say banana" while i still live. god help me. god help us all.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #5:

Time doesn't really heal any wounds, you're just slowly callusing and losing the capacity to feel real emotions. Soon everything will be gray and dim, and then you'll die.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #4:

Neil Young’s hat shivers in quiet ecstacy, feasting upon his brain. It rocks gently back and forth, letting its long, needle-like teeth sink further into his skull, the thick, muscular tube of its tongue rolling gray matter up through its core. Neil Young doesn’t love getting his brain sucked out by his hat, but over the years he’s gotten used to it. The first few days after are always foggy and confused, but something that the hat does regenerates the missing brain parts, so really it’s just an inconvenience. And anyway, the quiet wet rhythm of the tongue’s peristalsis is the perfect tempo for him to play “Only Love Can Break Your Heart” which is nice. Neil Young sighs and lays back, waiting for the fog to come, nodding off to the steady sounds of slurping.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #3:

The BUG.
It's BIG!
I BEG:
"The BOX!"
(To BAG
the BUG.)
Oh BAH
hum BUG!
The BOX
is BAD.
Bye BYE,
you BUM,
this BOY
has BIT
the BIG
one. BAM!

SPOOKTOBER STORY #2:

A skelento that feel sad when u kiss it lmao

SPOOKTOBER STORY #1:

The house hated being haunted. “I hate being haunted,” grumbled the house. “It’s the absolute squirrel pellets, being haunted. And I feel this way because I’m racist against ghosts.”

It was true. The house was incredibly racist, when it came to ghosts and ghouls and poltergeists and so forth. So next time it felt a ghost flutter through its twisting passages, it clattered some cabinets open and shut noisily.

“What’s that all about,” thought the living humans who lived in the racist house.
“What’s that all about,” thought the ghosts who lived in the racist house.

“I’m racist against ghosts!” the racist house tried to shout, but no one could hear it, because it was a house. So it knocked over a hat stand. The falling hat stand accidentally tipped a very hot pan off the stove, and it started a fire in the kitchen of the racist house.

“Uh oh,” thought the racist house.
“Uh oh,” thought the living humans who lived in the racist house, too late.

Now all the living humans are regular ghosts, and have joined the previous ghosts, now haunting the burned up wreckage of the house.

“Too bad about the house,” say the new ghosts.

“No, it’s ok,” say the old ghosts. “The house was pretty racist.”

The end.

[Not technically a Spooktober Story, but still worth watching nonetheless]

Happy Halloween!

SPOOKTOBER STORY #10:

Wait Mister Ghostman
Oh yeah
(Is there a message from beyond for me) Please, Please Mister Ghostman
(Why's it been a very long time) Oh yeah
(Since I heard from this boyfriend of mine)
There must be some word today
From my boyfriend so far away
Please Mister Ghostman, look and see
Is there a message, a message for me
I've been standin' here waitin' Mister Ghostman
So patiently, for just a creak, or just a moan
Sayin' he's returnin' home to me
Please Mister Ghostman (Mister Ghostman, look and see) Oh yeah
(Is there a message from beyond for me?) Please Please Mister Ghostman
(Why's it been a very long time) Oh yeah
(Since I heard from this boyfriend of mine)
So many days you passed me by
You saw the tears standin' in my eye
You wouldn't stop to make me less afraid
By leavin' me a strong breeze or rattlin chains
Please Mister Ghostman look and see (Ghostman Ghostman)
Is there a message oh yeah from beyond for me? (Ghostman Ghostman)
You know its been so long (Ghostman Ghostman)
Yes since I heard from this boyfriend of mine (Ghostman Ghostman)
You better wait a minute, wait a minute
Oh you better wait a minute
Please please Mister Ghostman (Wait a minute Mister Ghostman)
Please check and see just one more time for me
You better wait, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute
Please Mister Ghostman
Deliver the message the sooner the better
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, please Mister Ghostman
Wait a minute, wait a minute oh oh